CCFC 1 v 0 Wigan Athletic

Some interesting facts about Wigan:

·         It is a small town in Greater Manchester

·         It has a football team

·         The football team in Wigan used to be called 'Wigan County'

·         'Wigan County' changed its name to 'Wigan United'

·         'Wigan United' changed its name to 'Wigan Town'.

·         Wigan has never had a team called 'Dinamo Wigan' 'Real Wigan' or even 'FC Interesting Wigan'. That's not the way they do things in Wigan.

·         The football team in Wigan is now called 'Wigan Athletic'

·         Not a lot happens in the town of Wigan.

·         In 1932 Wigan Athletic campaigned to get into the football league but failed to register a single vote.

·         After 34 failed attempts to get into the Football League, in 1974 they applied to join the Scottish Football League but failed to register a single vote.

·         Wigan is a small town in Greater Manchester. ENGLAND.

·         It has a Rugby League team. The name of the Rugby League Team in Wigan used to be called 'Wigan'. They were quite good.

·         The Wigan Rugby League team had a winger called Chariots Offiah who was pious and refused to play on a Sunday. He was made into a film. Vangelis Morrison wrote the music.

·         People from Wigan are known as 'Wiganers'.

·         Famous Wiganers include musical hall superstar George Formby, that bloke who used to sing with a stuffed skunk on his head in 80's pop band Kajagoogoo and Willy Eckerslike from Coronation Street.

·         Here is a funny joke about Wigan:  A bloke from Wigan wins the lottery. He decides he wants to have a statue of his dog so he goes to the jewellers and asks how much a solid gold statue of a dog would be. The jeweller asks "Do you want it eighteen carat?" The bloke says 'No I'll just have it chewing a bone'.

You know you're no longer in the Premier League because:

·         You leave the house at the normal time but due to 'Championship Football Parallactic Displacement Theory' you arrive at the ground ten minutes earlier than planned.

·         You realise that traffic light colour coding includes the colour green.

·         You're listening to The Archers in the car because 5Live isn't interested in your game.

·         On the walk up Ninian Way the conversation doesn't revolve around the threat of the opposition. Because you keep forgetting who you're playing.

·         You can access the 3G network in the ground as there is no local system overload.

·         You can clearly hear profanities emitting from the pitch. You sit back and admire the foreign players' ability to learn English swear words.

·         You can hear yourself think. This is not a good thing.

Oddly, the game kicked off early this evening. Or so it seemed. As the referee blew his whistle I looked around and thought 'You can't start yet, the crowd hasn't arrived'.

I'd planned to buy a programme to see if I recognised any of the players in my team. Fortunately the players' shirts still have names on them, even at this level, which is really good. So I got to learn a few names even though my distance eye-sight's not great. I think of the new boys Pillockton is probably the most promising but Lemon Dre and Jabba Gooly looked lively later on. I'm not convinced about Aden Yemini though - there was an obvious Gulf in class.

The game kicked off, the players ran around a bit and sometimes kicked the ball. Occasionally it was a bit like that game that you get excited about on the telly. Before you could say 'I could be home watching 'Great British Railways on BBC4' it was half time.

At half time I ate my apple. It was a Braeburn which is a cross between a Granny Smith and a Lady Hamilton.

Then the players came back out and played some more football. We score one goal and Wigan didn't. So we won the game. Hurrah! So the final score was Cardiff City one, Wigan Athletic nil. Or as James Alexander Gordon, the voice of the BBC results programme for 40 years who sadly died this week, might have said, 'Cardiff City one, Wigan Athletic nil.'

Is it May yet??

2013-14 A SEASON IN THE SUN

Timeline: 16.50 hours, Saturday 3rd May 2014

Scoreline: NEWCASTLE 3 V 0 CCFC

High above the Tenby North Beach I sit on the coffee house veranda absent-mindedly staring into my lukewarm melancholic cappacino, half-heartedly listening to the portentous syncopated crackling radio commentary, daring it to damn all hope and let the teary indulgence begin, readying an impotent rage at the shabby injustice of this oh so cruel denouement. Our Season In the Sun is over. Did we have joy? Did we have fun? Did we hell.

Before the season began, back when we could all afford to be generous, fans were able to reign in any fanciful notion that we might be a force in the Premier league and realistically limit their ambitions to survival, comforted by the knowledge that if it all went wrong 'at least we'll have had one season'. After a lifetime surviving on meagre rations we would willingly make do with these crumbs of comfort.

It's not the fact of failure that hurts so much but the manner in which it was achieved. And the frustration of knowing that it could and should have been so very different.

A campaign that began with frayed nerves, high excitement but low expectations had by the end of September and creditable home performances against Man City, Everton and Spurs plus a first away victory against Fulham, been elevated into one laced with genuine hope.

There was every reason to believe that we had the squad, the tactics and the right man at the helm to guide us through the troubled waters to come. We were not to know of the seismic shift taking place under the surface as Asian and Celtic tectonic plates were moving away from each other, forming a deep rift from which a tsunami would emerge, creating the perfect storm to drown our hopes and dreams.

For the protagonists there seems to have been a resolution of sorts based on cloak and dagger compromises and face-saving; for the muted fans, cheated and defeated there is only loss and resignation.

In the book 'I Am the Secret Footballer' the writer (Danny Murphy? Dave Kitson? Kevin Davies? - there are whole websites dedicated to outing him) writes about offending the chairman of his club by introducing him as the owner. 'I am not the owner; I am the custodian' he says, later explaining 'The football club belongs to the people of the town. I am simply looking after it in the best way I can and hope to hand it over to the next custodian in much better shape than when it was handed over to me'.  Read that again and weep.

Of course it may be as disingenuous as Barclays #youarefootball campaign (yes we are, and we don't need a bunch of complete bankers to tell us. Patronising gits) but, if only our 'custodian' might even hint at such a sensibility - quiet, understated, humble, perceptive, intuitive, self-aware Vincent Tan is certainly not.

And this goes to the root of the problem - a fundamental clash of cultures, of values. We've got your number Mr Tan; we know what motivates you, we don't resent your personal success and great wealth and are happy that you're prepared to share it with us in a common purpose. But a business model designed for a burger franchise, gambling or property investment isn't fit for our purpose here. A football club is a partnership between its temporary custodian, transient staff and the one constant, its fans. We're entrusting you with our club. You need our consent to make a success of it.

I've heard myself say in recent days that Malky would have kept us up. Really? We know that he was capable of setting up his team to do a job against the better teams. Unfortunately we reserved our worst performances against less fancied opposition - the Sunderland late show and the West Ham no-show were particularly damaging - but we had a solid base to work from; a group of players who knew what was being asked of them and were generally capable of putting it into practice.

Ole never stood a chance. As Spring approached we were playing pre-season football. Team selection was inconsistent, substitutions were counter-intuitive and we were tactically naive. The basics of a solid back four and a holding midfield were discarded in the flawed belief that playing 'positive, attractive' football would save us. Out of his depth, Ole looked like the promising kid at school pushed by a well-meaning teacher against his better judgement to take his GCSE's a year early. His time may come. It's not now.

And so to the players in all their maddening inconsistency. If I don't mention them by name it's because they didn't get a game or were anonymous when they did.

Number One in every sense, Scotland's finest keeper, statistically the busiest, our Player of the Season and the only reason we were still in with a shout in the final months, take a bow David Marshall. We don't deserve him. We won't keep him.

There were others who looked comfortable at this level to begin with but whose influence faded under the cloud of tactical confusion in the latter stages. 'El Pitbull' Gary Medal and his pedigree chum Steven Caulker were two Malky masterstrokes whose form dipped to the level of those around them. Their bright futures lie elsewhere.

Up front Frazer Campbell, whose tireless but mostly unproductive running will always be appreciated will prosper in the role as foil to a 20 goal a season centre forward. Unfortunately we didn't have one of those (Cornelius? Jones? Dear God!) and Frazer wasn't able to carry the burden.

There were others who showed glimpses - Craig Noone began as a fringe player but grabbed his chance when it came and we looked a far more potent force when he was on the pitch. If we can keep him he'll be a vital part of the new campaign. Daehli is the probably the most naturally gifted player in the squad with a low centre of gravity and quick feet reminiscent of Lionel Messi. Unfortunately the necessary sideways passing and the headless chicken impressions as he searched for a colleague on the same wavelength served to disabuse us of any Camp Nou conceit. Mutch strolled around with a nonchalant detached air but fluffed his lines in front of goal too often and Zaha tried too hard to impress.

At the back Fabio arrived clearly some way short of match fitness but adapted well after a less than convincing start. His natural Brazilian urge to get forward means that he can't play in the same team as Declan John or Cala who display similar impulses that need to be reined in. None of these have the temperament or the discipline required to form a cohesive impenetrable defence and if you add Theophile-Catherine, Turner, Taylor and McNaughton to the mix there is no conceivable combination that would see Tony Pulis nodding sagely.

And that leaves the fans. Well where does that leave the fans? Disappointed at the turn of events on the field and totally disillusioned by affairs off it. Are we culpable in any way? I can't see how. The sight and sound of a full CCS was outstanding and finally laid to rest the notion that the patch of prime real estate across Sloper Road was still our spiritual home.

From a fan's perspective the season can be divided into two halves with their own distinctive colours. When the season began the dominant colour was a blushing shamefaced reluctant red; post Malky the crowd turned as blue as the core of a match flame. The raising aloft of the scarves at 19.27 minutes gladdened the heart and tingled the spine. Proud and defiant, we were magnificent. The point was made; the point was lost. What price dignity and self respect Mr Tan?

So what's next? As a wise man once declared 'The only thing we know about the future is that it will be different'. So embrace it. With your picks and shovels make sure you'll be there.