17.5.2011
Play Off Semi Final
CCFC 0 v 3 READING
‘So long Dave and thanks for all the fish’ – Douglas Adams
(adapted)
As a thousand amateur footie forensic pathologists again
pore over the rotting putrid remains of our season in a pointless post mortem
to determine who ultimately is to blame for this serial slaughter of our dreams,
attention falls on a small (very small) notebook left at the scene of the crime
last night. Scribbled on the cover in bold block capitals is the legend ‘David’s Big Book of Footie Tactics.
Alternative Strategies, Blue Sky Thinking & My Thoughts On the Beautiful
Game’. The pages are empty apart from a few paragraphs at the back
containing a list of names under the heading ‘Dave’s Contacts: Loanees, Duffers & Rejects’. It
shows the following Player Profiles.....
Stephen Bywater. Early in his career during a pre-season
tour of Colombia, Stephen was holed up in the same hotel as drugs warlord Pablo
Escobar when US Special Forces attacked using sensory deprivation and
disorientation techniques which included the continuous playing of The Clash’s
‘Should I Stay Or Should I Go’ at maximum volume. This is said to account for
his pathological indecision and tendancy to panic under pressure.
JLloyd Samuel. The great-grandson of former Liberal PM
JLloyd-George. Since a catastrophic and terminal loss of form he has been
employed by Bolton Wanderers preparing the half-time oranges and assisting local
legend Nat Lofthouse walking his dog and tying his boot laces. Following the
passing of the great man earlier this year JLloyd was released after being
officially declared ‘unfit to tie the bootlaces of any footballer living or
dead’.
‘Jason Brown’. The name given to any emergency 4th choice
goalie. A tactic used to placate concerned fans should your squad goalies
suffer injuries or lack of form at a vital time of the season. Even more
effective if you prefix Brown with ‘Welsh Internantional’. It’s OK no-one will
check.
Seyi Olifinjana. Available under the PFA Erasmus
scheme. Seyi (a Nigerian nickname
meaning ‘unfulfilled early season promise’) is a graduate in Chemical
Engineering. Suggest an exchange with Steven Gerrard so that the scouser can
continue his Doctorate at Hull University deconstructing the lyrics of seminal
80’s band The Housemartins.
Jason Koumas. Big money move to Wigan Athletic culminated in
fans voting him ‘Wigan’s Worst Ever Player’ (quite an accolade when you
consider the quality of a field including Larry Lloyd, Steve Bruce and George
Orwell - information sourced from Wikipedia).
Quit the game to tour with noughties nostalgia band Hammam Fire Sale before
taking a position in the family Kebab shop where he was placed in charge of the
mutton counter.
Jay Emmanuel-Thomas. Available under the London Underground
Ticket Office Works Experience Scheme. Renowned for his ticket-punching
techniques and his clear and precise enunciation of the phrase ‘Nah mate you
want the Elephant ‘n’ Castle on the Bakerloo Line innit’. Deceptively useless
with a frightening turn of indifference.
After
three seasons of clattering the last hurdle in the home straight and stumbling
across the line out of the medal positions, for those not generous enough to
pat us on the back and whisper ‘never mind’ we have become a comedy act. But not
even a decent one. We are the Mike & Bernie Winters of Championship
football, the Larry Grayson of prime-time family entertainment, Ted Rogers to
the Premier League’s Bruce Forsyth.
So farewell all of the above aberrations, cheerio Jay
Bothroyd, Chris Burke, Gavin Rae, Gabor Gypes, Adam Matthews, Craig Bellamy,
Terry Burton and.....So long Dave Jones and thanks for all the fish: the minnows, the starfish, the slippery eels,
the beached whales, the small fry and the occasional great white.
Now we can finally concentrate on the summer game, the sound
of leather on willow, cucumber sandwiches, ‘more tea Vicar?’ and the groans of
despair from the home fans as Glumorgan continue their frustrated quest for
silverware and a new golden age.....
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