CCFC V LIVERPOOL - BIG MATCH PREVIEW

Liverpool - Sporting Citadel, Musical Mecca

Tomorrow we entertain genuine footballing nobility. For those of us who grew up through the Shankly, Paisley and Dalglish era when Liverpool were the dominant force in British and European football it means so much to have the opportunity to welcome teams like this on a regular basis. And it emphasises just how much it will hurt to go back to playing, with no offence intended, the lumpenproletariat of Championship chancers.

On paper this one's a mismatch - an authentic heavyweight contender versus a battling blundering bantamweight. Earlier in the season we might have had the luxury of a slightly detached philosophical approach to a game such as this - sit back and enjoy the ride. But not now. We can't afford to give them any respect.

We clearly can't match them for raw talent so if we're going to get anything from this game we need a different approach. I thought I'd try sarcasm. If that fails we could always go with violence. It's a combination that worked well for Monty Python's Piranha Brothers... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fNvi6xG-5Y

It's scarcely credible that one city of fewer than 500,000 inhabitants might have made such an impact on the wider world, nurturing a wealth of talent in so many different areas and contributing so fully to the enrichment of the human experience.

It's remarkable to reflect that for example in the world of television the city can count amongst its stellar progeny not only the bloke that played Len Fairclough in Coronation Street and Alf Garnett's 'scouse git' son-in-law Tony Booth (Cherie Blair's dad) but also Keith Chegwin.

Music Hall favourite Arthur 'Hello playmates / Where's me washboard?' Askey and UKIP's favourite comedian Stan Boardman with his hilarious routine about hating the Germans for bombing his chippy, are but two of the legions of funnymen who sharpened their scouse wit in the city's fleapits.

Our democracy would surely have been the poorer without the insightful contributions of Edwina Currie or the level-headed governance of Derek Hatton. And who could ignore the contribution to the spiritual life of the nation of one of the great Archbishops, Robert Rancid?

But above all, the city of Liverpool is of course synonymous with those twin working class diversions football and pop music. The 1960s saw the spectacular rise of Liverpool FC under the direction of Bill Shankly, gaining promotion to the First Division in 1962; with an amplitude of serendipitous Scousery a group of local lads were at the same time returning from honing their craft in the strip clubs of Hamburg (only to be told that 'guitar groups are on their way out').

The ascendancy of the fabulous mop topped foursome - the Cute One, the Smart One, the Quiet One and the hum-drum tub-thumping ever-so-grateful one - in the decade when London swung but to Liverpool's beat, was matched by the team from the red side of the city.

In 1964 Liverpool won their first league title in a generation, a feat they repeated two seasons' later  having secured their first ever FA Cup in the interim. At the same time The Beatles were riding high with worldwide smash hits such as 'Can't Buy Me Lunch', 'Please Fleece Me, 'All You Need Is Cash', 'Back In The HSBC' and 'With A Little Help From My Financial Advisor'.

Liverpool FC of course went on to dominate English and European football throughout the 70's and 80's long after the Fabs had gone their separate ways but football and music will always be inextricably linked in 

the city. That connection is still very much alive, as my extensive research reveals.

'Listen, Do You Want To Know a Secret...?'

Current manager Brendan Rogers' mum Clodagh represented the UK in the 1971 Eurovision Song Contest with the song 'Jack in the Box', a tribute to legendary Swansea striker Ivor Allchurch.

John Lennon & Yoko Ono met at Prenton Park, the home of Tranmere Rovers where Yoko was Artist In Residence for the 1968-69 season. During the home game against Rotherham United John was standing on the terraces with a group of disgruntled fans who were frustrated at the manager's reluctance to play their new signing George Preece. John confronted the fans and told them to get behind the team, to which one of the fans replied 'All we are saying is give Preece a chance...'

After retiring from the game, Liverpool legend Ian Rush bought a farm on the Wirral where he has been able to indulge his fondness for yellow fruit and long-necked goats. With his pop star wife - a member of a best-selling 80's all-girl group - he is a successful banana and llama farmer.

At his FA tribunal on an assault charge Luiz Suarez claimed that he was compelled to bite Chelsea defender Ivanovic after being influenced by a subliminal message at the end of the Sgt Pepper album which when played backwards clearly says 'Bite him Luis bite him'.

To finish, here's few stats that might convince you that we've reached the end of the 'The Long and Winding Road' but then again 'Tomorrow Never Knows' perhaps 'We Can Work it Out'. Nah. 'This Bird Has Flown...'

OPTA analysts reckon 36 points will do the trick this season. So what do the bottom 7 need to do to survive?

Team                     Points Per Game Reqd  PPG to date        Survival Rating

FULHAM              1.50                                     0.80                        Ob-la-di-oh-bla-da

CARDIFF               1.38                                   0.83                        Old Brown Shoe

SUNDERLAND    1.00                                    0.93                        You Can't Do That

PALACE                0.89                                   0.97                        Within You Without You

WEST BROM       0.89                                    0.97                        With A Little Help From My Friends

NORWICH           0.88                                     0.97                        And Your (canary) Bird Can Sing

SWANSEA           0.78                                      1.00                        GET BACK!

CCFC 3 v 1 Fulham

Arriving in plenty of time to settle the nerves before this must-win of all must-wins (there seem to have been plenty of these lately) against the only team in the league that we have credible grounds to feel superior to, we stood and luxuriated in the spring sunshine. Was this a harbinger of a change in our fortunes? Is the future 'so bright we gotta wear shades' or would we be 'blinded by the light'?

After the adventurous three-centre-backs-two-wing backs formation that narrowly failed to do the trick at Spurs last time out, Ole reverted to a 4-4-2 (or possibly more accurately a 4-4-1 + 1, the super-charged Duracell Campbell playing just behind big Kenwynne, helping out in midfield and occasionally sweeping up as the last man at the back. The man is a force of nature!) It's not a wholly convincing ploy as it results in a tendency to play the long ball and although Jones was proving a handful for the vertically challenged Fulham central defenders, it meant that our greatest creative outlet, Noone, was a spectator for much of the first half.

The game began as a disjointed affair with both teams unable to keep hold of the ball. Anyone seeking vindication of a not unreasonable claim that we were watching dead men walking back to the Championship must have felt particularly smug. The game had about as much shape as Eric Pickles on a space-hopper balancing a plate of jelly.

We definitely had the edge early on but apart from one inspired run across the edge of the box by Campbell, leaving three Fulham defenders in his wake but seeing his curling shot pushed away for a corner, there was no reason to think that we might not extend our 6 1/2 goal drought with some ease.

We were generally slow in possession and tending to react to situations rather than playing with any purpose or giving any indication that we were playing to a plan. Mind you the opposition was worse, busy in midfield but with no thrust upfront and woefully misshapen and ponderous at the back.

Noone finally had the chance to run at the defence after 20 minutes and Jones should have done better when collecting the ball from the winger, shooting first time straight at the grateful Stekenlenburg.

Towards half time we began to exert some pressure and as the board went up to indicate that we were approaching the nebulous twilight zone of Pro Supplements-sponsored time added on, Noone came in from the left hand side of the box and played a ball into the path of Caulker who'd stolen in behind the negligent Fulham defence. 1-0 and the relief was palpable as the team walked off to big smiles and raucous acclaim rather than the anticipated resigned shrug.

Fulham made a change at half time replacing the veteran Riise and shortly afterwards bringing in another attacking midfielder. As a result the game opened up, the opposition suddenly a much more potent force going forward but inevitably leaving space at the back.

Jones had a wonderful chance to double our lead, meeting MOTM Noone's pin-point cross but inexplicably angled the ball past the post with the goal at his mercy. The significance of passing up the opportunity became apparent only minutes later when German international Holtby, on loan from Spurs, found space in the box to fire home the leveller on the hour.

Solskjaer often talks up his team's chances by emphasising their 'character' and commitment. Up until today this has seemed pretty vacuous manager-speak designed to placate a sceptical media. We've got used to a sequence of events that begins with the opposition scoring followed by the opposition repeating the feat, followed by an early stampede for the exits and concluding with a half-hearted ripple of muted thanks at the final whistle from those few fans left inside the stadium and a lonely shoe-gazing walk back down Ninian Way.

The response today was different. It was almost as though they were affronted by chutzpah of a clearly inferior opposition in even contemplating the possibility that they might get something from the game and within five minutes we had retaken the lead.

Mutch came over to our side to take a corner which was put out for another corner from which Kim's opportunist strike was put out for another corner from which Captain Caulker headed powerfully down and over the indecisive prostate keeper. It was a pretty awful goal to concede but one of huge importance to our cause.

Not content with a narrow advantage we continued to take the game to Fulham and within five minutes - that's a different five minutes to those mentioned previously as that would represent an unlikely though much appreciated spatial continuum in which we continually retake the lead thereby significantly improving our goal difference and easing our relegation worries - we had consolidated the lead after Campbell's point blank header was saved but deflected back off defender Reither and rolled apologetically over the line.

From this point we comfortably saw the game out and with reports that other results had been favourable our day in the sun was complete. At the finale there was just time left to send in the clowns as Vincent Tan arrived pitch side, making his entrance again with his usual flair in a risible attempt to take the applause and ingratiate himself with the faithful. The man has no sense of timing, shame or self awareness. I think he should say sorry.

Vincent Tan Programme notes??

Today I welcome to my Cardiff City Kuala Lumpur Lotto Stadium Fulham football team which very famous for cottaging by River Thames in London. And Jimmy Hill cool goatee beard big chin. Fulham is strongest football team - they hold up all Premier league teams! You see! I make big laugh! Not at all like evil Bond villain stroking pussy in my lap.

Tan family say I mad to put up with the slag off from fans and your British media which is shall we say perhaps a little racist. Frankly I think they are a little nuts and they must say sorry. I say we must all have the patience and the love for Vincent not the slag off. But that is soccerball. One day you hero, next day you zero.

My Cardiff City Sunny Malaysia Getaway Break Holiday Football Club learn lots from Fulham which was bought by Mr Harrods Fayed who is friend of Michael Jackson and fans say he is great man for buying Fulham into the premier league for many years. But British media, who is shall we say perhaps a little racist, not like him or his son Dodo who is knocking off Tony Blair People Princess. So Prince Philip of the Royle Family my arse, who is shall we say perhaps a little racist, bump them off in a tunnel.

Mr Harrods Fayed very big fan of Prince of Pop and when he die have him made into statue and every time the people see statue they so happy they can't stop laughing they love him so much.

My big Number One fan is Sir Cliff Richard the Batchelor Boy who is not gay at all. I first see him when he warm up Mrs Mary Whitehouse for concert against all the filth in the 1970's and is like my mum with her big hat and her handbag and the twin set. I love my good friend Sir Cliffs so much I give him big erection just like Michael Jackson in my Cardiff City car park standing next to Freddie Keenor. I say 'Come on everybody let's move it and groove it!'

Some peoples saying my Cardiff City Burger With Extra Fries And Mayo Franchise Football Club not good enough for Premier League and don't know what I'm doing. But I learn. My good friend Alisher Apsalyamov who is stadium trainee painting and decorator teach me incredible knowledge on the PS4. So I learn my tactics to shoot more goals. I'm telling all my players to shoot more, especially lazy Davie Marshmallow in the goals with the big kick.

My Cardiff City fans I am appealing to you. I think you say sorry and show me the love not the slag off. Mister Mickey Macky to blame for all bad things. You be told truth one day, God willing. Now we have the good man Mr Holy Gunner who is lead his troops into battle. Onward Christian soldiers! He is Peter Pan man like Sir Cliffs and everybody love him cos he such bloody nice bloke!

Holy Gunner is winner playing for Manchester in the lucky red! Red is best colour not the blue. Red the colour of sunrise, and my Cardiff City fans I tell you new day dawn and sun rise over my Cardiff City Delusional Fantasy Off With The Fairies Stadium.

Red for fire. Red for passion. Red the colour of great men - Chairman Mao, Joseph Stalin, Mick Hucknell. Red the colour of Vincent Tan blood. You cut Tan. Cut him and he bleed for you. I promise you my Cardiff City fans for you Tan will always be total bleeder. Enjoy game. Say sorry.

CCFC 0 v 4 HULL

In North Korea there is an abandoned building known as the Ryugyong Hotel. Work started on the 105 storey building only a few years before a massive famine plagued the country. Although the structure now looks complete on the outside, a lot of the interior is still abandoned and incomplete and it has never entertained a single paying guest.

Queuing up at the turnstiles today the area to our left is cordoned off as the substructure for the new stadium extension stands in anticipatory splendour, a statement of intent from our Supreme Leader.

Fast forward to the year 2020 and the Cardiff City Stadium is a crumbling sporting arena known locally 'Tan's Folly' - a 33,000 capacity stadium, the home of the local Tumbleweed Western League team FC Leckwith Liquidation, owned by local discount store chain Tat-U-Like who bought the club for a nominal pound following Vincent Tan's conviction for crimes against fashion in the European Court of Sartorial Rights.

I've reserved our seats for next season in the front row of the new stand from where I look forward to witnessing and sharing with you the spectacular demise of a football club that ate itself.

SPOLER ALERT. In the recent film 'All Is Lost' Robert Redford is happily asleep in calm waters when he's suddenly awoken by a loud crash as his boat suffers a fateful collision with a stray container. His valiant attempts to repair the damage prove futile. The title reflects the moment when Redford finally lets go of the rope and sinks to oblivion. For 'container' read 'Tan's ego'. Yesterday the rope slipped from our grasp. It was a defining moment. All Is Lost.

There's no need for a post mortem. The coroner can enjoy his Sunday rest, we won't be calling him today. We've all witnessed the slow but inevitable demise over the past months and we must now accept our fate. One flawed hubristic man and his entourage of obsequious flunkies have done for us. Our hope now is that they'll do the honourable thing and walk away.

The Robert Redford film has an ambiguous ending as a hand reaches in to grab Redford's before he slips away. Just saying...

CCFC v HULL BIG MATCH PREVIEW

'A change in the weather is known to be extreme, but what's the sense of changing horses in midstream? - Bob Dylan

Well Your Bobness, I couldn't disagree if you're riding a thoroughbred confident that safety's within reach, but what if you're saddled with a nag who's good for glue? It's a tough call for Premier League owners, who despite or perhaps because of their success in business are notoriously impatient and irrational when the threat of failure looms and are more likely to flog the sorry beast than to offer it a carrot.

Five of the bottom six clubs had already ditched their manager by the turn of the year. In the case of Sunderland it was clear that Di Canio had neither the temperament nor experience to succeed at the highest level and he had to go. Ian Holloway at Palace, possibly the most honest man in the game, held his hands up and decided it was in the club's best interests to walk away. It can be argued that the owners of West Brom pushed the panic button too early after a bad run of results but Martin Jol at Fulham had been a dead man walking for weeks before he was finally led to the gallows back in December.

Now the Fulham board, still stuck firmly in midstream with the waters now gathering around its neck, have lost faith in the ability of Jol's successor Rene Mulensteen to steer them clear and have replaced him with a novelty appointment, bringing in former Bayern Munich manager Felix Magath, a man described by his last captain as 'lacking humanity' and nicknamed 'Torturer' or 'Saddam'; he was recently called 'the last dictator in Europe' which, with Putin in his pomp, is some claim. His erratic disciplinary behaviour includes imposing fines for back passes and setting essays for recalcitrant players. Michael Gove would be proud. Fulham's new man will be inheriting the rump of the Jol squad and some disconsolate players brought in by Mulensteen in January. It's seems reasonable to write off their chances. So that leaves another 2 from 9.

Of those, Sunderland and Palace saw an immediate upturn in fortunes after appointing new men, and Stoke, Norwich, West Ham and Villa have had the good sense to stick by their trusty steeds. Even Swansea have made a shrewd appointment in appointing a man from within who is the most likely to consolidate and lead them to calmer waters.

There is of course one team in their first season back in the PL with an ambitious foreign owner at the helm who's appointed a former Man Utd treble-winning favourite as manager and is prepared to take on the fans and consign one hundred years of tradition to the dustbin in a grab for the Asian market. At 5 points and 6 places above us, Hull Tigers (tbc) with an experienced manager, an established squad and having spent wisely in January are looking a safe bet to survive and thrive.

So where does that leave us? The signs are not good. By now, with 12 games to go we should have a settled squad of players who clearly understand the manager's approach with each one aware of what's required of them. Unfortunately Solskjaer still doesn't seem to know what his preferred starting eleven looks like yet. Despite his declared intention to play attacking football, problems persist in the final third where we are incapable of turning territorial advantage and possession into goals. Approaching the business end of the season we're still playing pre-season football and we can't be certain that Tan hasn't ditched Shergar in favour of Trigger, and if he has, whether it's Roy Roger's iconic steed or Benny Hill's comedy workhorse.

Dylan's next line neatly encapsulates the anguish and uncertainty  ' I'm going out of my mind with a pain that stops and starts'. If we do go down there'll be Blood On The Tracks at the CCS, and Tan Strung Up In Blue.

Match Report to follow...